just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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