Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
