You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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