you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
