Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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