I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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