never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.