I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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