P.S. I can't hear my feet
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
