you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So squirting runs in the family.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
