It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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