The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
