1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
