Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
