pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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