How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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