I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
