The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
