Only a mothe r could love this liver
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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