Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
