im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
