just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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