Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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