Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
