Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
