I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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