and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
bring money and cleavage
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
