finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
