I'm gonna have a badass scar
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
