we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
