Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
