i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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