Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
