I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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