Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
