Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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