i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
