Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
