I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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