Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize