Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
