if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
