Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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