I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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