Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
