Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i think i just lost a toe
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
