Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
