I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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