After last night, I could never be a politician.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
