Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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