I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
