Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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