1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
its liver damage thursday
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
