I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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