I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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