he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
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please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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